MAMMA beat my ass - PART 1

Growing up, Mum beat my ass a couple of times. Each time was a sad moment for me but I'm cracking up laughing as I write this post. Today, I rather tease her on the whooping she gave me. I always ask her "So Mum, remember when I did this and that and you beat me?" and all she says in return is "No I don't, but my beating have made you what you are today". To this day, she has never admitted to doing anything wrong in-terms of how she disciplined us, and we don't think she ever will. Indeed, her whooping did teach us lessons. Lessons we still remember. Lessons that have set us up the right way. So I guess she did do a great ass whooping job on us.

You can be guaranteed that the "My Mamma" topic will pop up when Africans meet, regardless of which countries we are from. This is one of the topics which we discuss the most among ourselves and we just laugh at each others pain. I have many beating stories so its only right that I share with you guys a couple of them. Alright, here we go !!

As a kid, about 5 years old, I loved powdered milk. There was a popular brand at the time called NIDO (picture attached below). I remember my Mum used to keep a few tins on the bottom shelf of the cabinet. I came back from school one day while she was at work, sneaked into the cabinet, opened the lid and ate up some of the powdered milk. Mum came home around 4pm, entered her room, and after a few minutes I heard her call my name the angry way "Herr Mubarak", that was my "about-to-get-a-beating" name. Anytime Mamma called a name and  said "Herr" before the name, you knew your butt was going to be set on fire. So the moment she called, my heart dropped. "How could she know", I thought. I wiped my lips clean, put on my innocent face and walked into her room. With the powdered milk in hand, she asked "Who came in here to eat powdered milk?", she asked. As stupid as I was, I denied it. I told her I had no idea. How dumb, There was no one else home except my little sister and I. She asked me again and I still denied. So she called my little sister into the room and asked her the same question. She told Mum she hadn't even been to her room. Fauzia, my little sister, had absolutely no idea what had went down so I believe Mum could easily tell the innocence on her face and immediately told her to leave us. I knew my butt was in a lot of trouble right there so I started psyching myself up for a whooping. What made it worse, she pulled out the lid, opened it and told me to come take a look. So I proceeded slowly knowing she could swing from anyway at anytime. I think I was more cautious with my steps than an 90 year old woman with bad feet. I got close enough and realized my finger prints were left all over the powder. All I could think was "DAMN, I messed up". At this point, there was no escaping the whooping so I just wanted to get it over with. Long story short, she beat my ass so badly and told me NEVER to "steal" or "lie" again. She warned me never to take anything without permission and if she wasn't home, should tell her when she came back. That was the lesson. Of course I didn't want that kind of beating ever again so I kept it in my best memory. I kept eating the powdered milk, but this time, I always met her at the door when she came home and reported myself immediately. 

Then it got to a point where she had to change the rules because my powdered-milk eating habit was getting out of hand. One afternoon, she calls me into her room again. This time she didn't whoop me but warned me never to eat up the powdered milk unless she had directly instructed me to. That was the start to the end of my powdered milk-eating habits, but at least until I was old enough to buy little portions on the streets with my lunch money.

I was about 5 years old at the time and after that, I never got into trouble for taking anything that didn't belong to me. As I got older, I gained her trust so much that even when she misplaced anything around the house, whether it was money, jewelry or clothes, she never asked me if I had it but would ask everybody else. She trusted that I wouldn't take it and if I did, she knew I would tell her. 

That's what a little discipline can do, OR perhaps I should say thats what a LITTLE ASS WHOOPING can do......It can indeed straighten you up

Part 2 on the way

Thanks for reading y'all.........ONE LOVE.

This is the lady I was talking about y'all. My sweet Mamma. LOVE HER TO DEATH !!

                   Mum with my nephew. He will learn soon. 

Mamma with lil nephew Payton

I am not saying treat your kids like slaves and prisoners, but you cannot spare them too much either. You will mess up your kids that way

No this is too extreme. This is child abuse right 

Your Mamma loves you regardless. Discipline is just tough love. Thats all it is. 

Chinese parents don't play.

This is child abuse. If you let a child bleed. Thats just going too far 

The old school way of spanking

This is what got me in trouble y'all. The powdered Milk: Nido

"BABY, YOU GETTING FAT ??"

"My girl is gaining weight but I don't know how to tell her"........This is probably one of the things that pop up the most anytime guys have "men conversation". Apparently, a lot of guys struggle with telling their ladies if they notice a few extra pounds on them.  Don't get me wrong, they are not punks, but merely scared of the repercussions that stem from saying that. Well, I guess that still makes them punks, doesn't it. Regardless, every guy has been at the receiving end of such anger, whether knowingly or otherwise. It was actually in college where I learnt my lesson from telling girls "hey, you getting big". I was actually oblivious to how they felt until, I remember vividly, my friend C-dor confronted me about it, saying it was offensive to girls when guys told them that. I still didn't take it that very seriously until Marian also warned me about it. I didn't understand why someone pointing out something like that to you should offend you, especially coming from a place of no malice nor harm, just love and care. But as a grew older, I realized women were super self-conscious, especially about their bodies.......so comments like that, even from a good heart, could be taken offensively, in one way or another.

On the contrary, guys aren't generally too self-conscious about their bodies....we don't really care if we are told we are getting fat, skinny, or muscular. We actually relish being told so we can work on it. Growing up, I believe everyone had that one extremely skinny dude in their school that EVERYBODY made fun of , OR that one big girl that NOBODY made fun of. So, now the question is "how do I tell my lady she is gaining extra weight?". She might be becoming less attractive to you or might be having some health issues or just getting sloppy and dull due to that. How do you go about telling her without hurting her feelings, lowering her self-esteem and making her frustrated at both herself and you?.

Any female you talk to will tell you "DO NOT TELL HER DIRECTLY". Rather, do things that might give her the idea that she has gained a few extra pounds. Here are a few tips I got from talking to people and surfing the internet about things you can do to let her know; (1) Buy her small clothes (2) Sign her up for gym or yoga classes (3) Serve her smaller portions of food (4) Leave around old photos of her. My opinion is: these tips are RIDICULOUS. These might work for a few people but I think they are pretty terrible ideas. Now lets dive into them. (1) Buy her small clothes ?? well, in a clothing store, there is something called a return policy. She can send it back if the dress doesn't fit. duh! (2) Sign her up for gym classes ?? When you come home one day with a gym membership card in your hand, the first question you will get asked is "thanks, but why did you sign me up for a gym class? ". Moreover, girls rarely go to the gym to do anything but lose weight. It's not like they are in there trying to bench-press 40 kilos of weight, so that's a pretty obvious move. (3) Serve her small portions of food ? This is a funny one. Does that mean you have to be present anytime she wants to eat something?, and not just that, you also have to be the one serving her the food?. Then I'll suggest you quit your job and let her hire you as her personal chef, that's the only way this will work. The last tip: (4) leave around her old photos. Really ?? So all of a sudden, your lady comes home one time and finds her old photos lying around the house, and you don't think she will ask you why you got her old pictures lying around ?

Personally, if you are really close to a person, I think you should just tell them straight up; "HEY LISTEN, YOU ARE GETTING FAT, LOSE SOME DAMN WEIGHT ELSE I'M DUMPING YOUR ASS". NOoo, that is exactly NOT what to say if you want to keep your relationship and avoid getting stabbed in your sleep. Just a nice, calm, sweet way, will be good enough. Every woman knows when she has gained a few extra pounds, so the last thing she wants is to be reminded or nagged about it every time. All you need to do is to support her through getting back in shape. So instead of signing her up for a gym section, perhaps you can sign both you and and her at the same time and perhaps look at it as a way to spend some more time together. That's believable, ain't it? I told y'all I was smart. 

My most important point though, is; people just don't enter relationships. There is always a stage where there is nothing but conversation where you guys get to know each other. Based on that, you decide you have things in common, share the same goals or like each other. So I believe that is where this whole conversation should start. At the start of any friendship, everyone gets asked questions like "what do you do on free time?", "what are some of the things you like doing?", "what kind of guys or girls do you like?"...etc. Usually people talk more to each other about different topics when they are friends than when they actually get together as partners. That's where you let the other know what kind of things you like, and what you will or will not settle for. So as soon as possible, find a way to slip in things that are very important to you, and if STAYING LEAN is one of them, then you've got to slip that in or bring up a topic that relates to that in your conversations. If she is the type of person who likes that, then that's great for you, if she doesn't, then she might let you know how she feels or might think about it. Either way, it wouldn't be too late. 

But that notwithstanding, if you are a man that looks like the male version of PRECIOUS, you have no business bringing up a topic about fitness and weight-loss. Maybe you could start a conversation about how you want to stop eating all those extra large cheese burgers that got you fat in the first place, but definitely not about wanting a girl who has a lean body. That will sound awful and disrespectful to any girl, and even worse, you will look like an idiot. The girl will just be thinking "WHAT ?? Don't no lean girl want your fat ass". So please refrain from that. The worst thing anyone can do is point fingers at someone while they themselves are guilty of the same thing they are complaining and nagging about. Got it ?? 

So that was my little advice about approaching this "getting fat" situation when you face it, I hope it made some sense. That's it for another post y'all.

Thank for reading...............DEUCESSSS  !!!

Well, that's when you know its starting to go left

Every woman knows if she is gaining weight, even before you notice.

This is what you get for being too direct....you get slapped. So be nice and polite 

Workout with her, hit the gym together....it would be a new way to spend more time together

If your lady is happy, you are happy. So keep her happy

That's cute, ain't it ?? Just a simple jog or walk together can solve the problem

SUPPORT HER

Never say stuff like this !! Its offensive believe it or not. Unfortunately most guys don't realize it. 

Never let it get too far, take measures as quickly as possible 

GYM TIME BABYY !!

If you look like the male version of "PRECIOUS", Don't go talking to girls about wanting a lean body girl, you will look stupid. For y'all who don't know, "Precious" is a wonderful move which stars "Gabourey Sidibe", who plays a girl named Precious, in the picture above. Had to make a point. I still love you Gabourey, No hard feelings.