What usually happens is that, one partner finds himself/herself feeling committed but doesn't sense the same level of commitment from their partner. Getting the person who doesn't seem ready to commit to commit is probably the most difficult thing to do, if not impossible.
After over a year without blogging (no fault of mine), why did I choose to write about this ?? Well I was inspired by a text message I received last night from my friend's girlfriend. Here is a little bit of the conversation that transpired. I did some little editing so as not to reveal any real names. The names I have used are just fictional. Here we go !!
HER: hey Sani, how r u ?
ME: Not bad, u ?
HER: Is Mike seeing anyone ?
ME: I really dont know to be honest.
HER. When you went to the party, did you see him with a girl ?
ME: Naa I didn't. Just saw him briefly, plus he left a little early.
HER: I just called him now and he said he was outside with a girl and then he hung up.
ME: He hung up ? u sure ?, it doesn't sound like him.
HER: Yea, I asked him what he was doing and he said he'll call me back and he hung up. I called him again and he didn't pick up. He said he was with a friend, I asked him which one and he just said I didn't know him.
ME: Maybe it's nothing, you know Mike likes to go out sometimes and its a holiday today. I can call him now and talk to him if you want me to.
HER: He is with a girl and he wouldn't talk to me?? I'm not stupid, my heart is in pain. Yeah, please call him.
ME: I just did. he didn't pick up either. Don't worry too much. At least he didn't lie, he could have said he was at home sleeping or som'n
HER: I think I just caught him off guard. He didn't want to tell me anything but I kept asking him questions. I have trusted the WRONG PERSON. I thought he would never do something like this to me. Sorry for talking about this. I just needed to talk to someone.
ME: Ok honestly, I think you shouldn't go looking for stuff cos you'll find something. Just take it easy. I don't see him except on weekends when we play football together. I'm sure he has made some new friends but that doesn't mean he's dating any of them, or it could be. Who knows ? But ultimately its up to you to make a decision if u gonna to stick around or move on based on what kind of future you have together. For us guys, we will keep a girl around even if we don't want her just because, that's how we are sometimes. So its up to the female to figure out if its in her best interest or not. Maybe you guys have to talk and figure stuff out.
HER: Thanks, what you said makes a lot of sense. But you know I don't like to be a fool, I don't like to be lied to, I want no games. Anyway, thanks a lot. Take care friend.
That's the conversation that sparked this post. Before the guys out there think I was "dry snitching". This is how complicated my friend and this girls relationship is. So my friend is in the same city as me and this girl who used to be here is currently residing in another country. Fact is, my friend doesn't want the relationship to go on but he's scared to tell the girl because she might do something crazy. She already threatened to leave whatever she is doing and fly down if she doesn't hear from him in 10 days so they are in CONSTANT communications. By this, I mean the "where are u, what are u doing" kind of conversation. This dude, my friend, "Mike", cannot take it and wants to get out.
Here is the catch though, he has deep feelings for this girl and the girl is a really good girl, he says it himself, but HE IS JUST NOT READY WHATSOEVER TO TAKE IT WHERE SHE WANTS TO ..........A FUTURE, A MARRIAGE, MAYBE A BABY. None of that.
Well let me say this, some men and women may be tempted to get on board or get out, but this usually doesn't work because people in general resent being forced to abandon their position and are likely to leave or undermine the relationship. Just as you cannot insist someone to love you back when you love them. To insist or try to force commitment is to court unhappiness, pain and a broken heart. So the question is, WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU ARE READY FOR "COMMITMENT" AND THE OTHER PARTY IS NOT ??
In my opinion, there is no fast way for when a relationship should move on from one stage to another, but if your relationship has being "stagnant" for sometime and things aren't moving forward, then its time to address it. By that I mean; evaluate the relationship's commitment potential. There is definitely a reason why commitment hasn't been brought up in your discussions. What is the other person worried about, what does he/she fear about committing or settling with you. Most men/women have good reasons for resisting commitment. Most men are very conscious about why they don't want to commit but their partners usually have no idea at all. There could be a lot reasons. For example in "Mike's" situation, he just doesn't want to settle just because, he tells me, he wants to play the field a little bit more and he doesn't see the point in settling with his girl, but the girl has no idea at all about this. He just keeps telling her lies as to why he is not ready, and she keeps hanging around waiting for when he does, and that's very sad, even for me, since she is a great girl and can do better and shouldn't be wasting her years like she is. But like I said to her, this is where you really have to evaluate your relationship and figure out if it really has commitment potential.
For other people, one person, usually the man, is more focused on the negatives than the positives and is afraid he might not be able to cope and thus things might not work out, leading to a break up and hurt.
Like stated in previous posts, I believe honest communication solves it all. However, honest communication is something that is built over a period of time. Especially with women, its sometimes hard for a man to be totally honest just for the fear of how she might react or feel. Women are usually more difficult to take certain criticism than men which is sometimes a problem when honest communication is to be had. However, once you can build that in your relationship. Every problem can be solved with ease, respect and support.
Therefore if the fears the man or woman has, concerning commitment is unfounded, then reassure him or her. If you don't understand what they are saying, let them explain. There is, however, a way to do it without sounding "bitchy", angry or "naggy". Ask, listen and show EMPATHY towards his or her fears and concerns as to why he or she doesn't want to commit or take things further in your relationship. There is always a reason, a real reason. NO BS.
This post is not necessarily about when to get out of a relationship. I don't want any men out there blaming me for messing up their relationships J. I'm merely saying when you think your relationship has gotten to the point where you have to take things to the next level, that conversation has to be had. What I will say is this, if you are a woman who has stuck by a man for several years, you deserve that right to expect things to move further in your relationship. Like I said earlier, you cannot force a man to give you that respect right back, but you deserve it. If he doesn't want to, then its up to you to know what you are worth and do what you have to, the right way.
About a week ago, while in the middle of writing this post, I met a beautiful Russian woman somewhere in south east Asia who had been travelling for years. She told me a sad story about how her and her boyfriend for 6 years had just broken up while they were both travelling. To keep a long story short, she was not getting any younger and wanted to take things further in their relationship, but he didn't want that so they broke it off. 6 YEARS down the drain ?? wait, SIXXX ?? That's not something you just throw away. This is what I told her, I might be right or wrong depending how you feel, but I said "After 6 years of being together with a man, you deserve to ask him that. You deserve to be shown that love. You deserve to require that from him, and not feel sorry it at all"............and I wasn't saying that to make her feel better, I actually meant it. I actually told her I was in the middle of writing this post and gave her the website to check it out when I was done. So "EL" if you are reading this, you somewhat made this post worthy of writing and sorry I couldn't say goodbye before I left.
Thanks for reading y'all..........ONE LOVE.
If you want to keep being happy with me, let commit to each other. if not, bags packed. Let me go find that somewhere else bcos this clearly ain't going nowhere.
Commitment is not exclusive, even though its men who USUALLY resist commitment, sometimes its the other around.
Hold on tight.
True that
Open up the conversation and speak on it honestly.
I learned earlier in life, nothing worthy in life can be maintained without the needed commitment attached to it. It either u commit to keep it or loose it. Great site bro!
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