P A R A N O I A

I am a slightly paranoid man. Plus, I have some trust issues as well. However, I think it is a good thing, at least 80% of the time. Where did I get that from? Probably my Mum and definitely my Dad. My mum, like most mothers, is the worrying type, and very emotional. My Dad, on the other hand, a tough dude who barely shows emotion. He always used to say "At the back of your mind, treat everyone like a criminal". Well, I didn't blame him for his thought-process, as he was in the Police force for a lot of his life. So you understand how this combination of characters makes me a certain way. 

The paranoia described in this post didn't stem from my parents though. This emanated from a totally different experience that I am going to share with you guys.

So I usually workout early mornings. I work out, shower in the gym and head straight to work from there. I am very confident in the gym as I know my way around pretty well and I know exactly what I have to do each day. But, on the opposite side of the gym, are the showers. That scares me when I'm in there. Anytime I hit the showers, I am low-key anxious and slightly petrified, especially if I hear someone walk in to use the place. Paranoia kicks in immediately and I get to thinking. My mind runs wild. 

Why am I paranoid in this situation? What am I paranoid about?  This experience is where I believe it all started from:

8 years ago, I was walking down the warm streets of Gothenburg on a nice summer afternoon. School had closed, weather was good, sun was out, birds were chirping, everything was right. I had soccer practice just behind my university. I was walking down the alley alone, music blasting in my headphones, sunglasses on, just taking it lightly and enjoying my walk. About 200 meters away I see a guy on a bike coming towards my direction. He gets close, we both say hi, walk past each other, and keep it moving. But right when he passes me, I hear his bike stop. I hear him call me, so I figured he knows me from school or the neighborhood. He was a middle-aged guy, about 6 feet 2 inches tall, Southern-Asian looking dude, probably Nepalese or Bangladeshi. He rides back towards me and at this point, my Dad's instinct starts kicking in. I thought to myself "It is only two of us here, what if he tries something". I start to check him out and I figure "Yeah he is taller but I think I can take this guy in a fight. He isn't that threatening". He gets closer and says, to this day the scariest combination of words any man has ever told me. He says "Do you want me to suck you?". I heard him clearly but I just couldn't believe it so I asked "Whaaat?". He proceeded to say it more explicitly. I was terrified, to say the least, but I had to play it calmly. I responded "Nah man, I'm good. I'm straight. But thanks though". To date, I still don't know why I thanked him for offering. That alone tells you I was horrified. So I proceeded to walk away from him while he stood there and stared at me like he thought I was playing hard-to-get or that I'd change my mind. Right when I turned the corner, I started to run as fast as I can. My heart raced the whole time until I got to training. My teammates being around gave me comfort. This is way better than being alone in that alley, I thought. I had never been this scared in my life. Why was I so scared? It was the fear of something happening to my rear end, the fear of forceful entry, the fear of rape. What if I got rapped by another man? As a man, how do you tell somebody you got rapped by another man? Who do you talk to? Your friends? Definitely not mine. Imagine me telling Leroy, "Yo dawg, guess what happened today? This big dude cornered me and raped me, bro. There was nothing I could do? I screamed and shouted but no one came to my rescue". His first response will be "hahahahahahahaha", and then later ask "how did it feel? why didn't you fight?. why didn't you run? and then "hahahahaha" again. It will just be a long-running joke forever. Since that incident, I have been paranoid and had anxiety about such situations. But it doesn't manifest itself until I am taking a shower at the gym. I guess that is the only time I'm indeed vulnerable.

Now that you know where this particular paranoia stems from. Let's go back to the gym. A guy who I suspect to be interested in men showed up at my gym recently. I know him from a nearby shop I buy yogurt from. I suspected he was gay because of his mannerisms and how he acted towards me anytime I went there. I later got word that he was indeed gay and open about it. That's totally fine. I'm not one to judge anybody. Last week, I walked in the gym and there he was. "What is he doing here? maybe he's trying to get in better shape like the rest of us", I imagined. I walked in, exchanged pleasantries with the regular fellows like we always do, and said hi to him. I tried my best to not make eye contact with him but I couldn't stop looking at the mirrors to see if he was checking me out like he does at the yogurt shop. Anytime I looked, I saw him looking and it got weird. Now I get through working out and I hit the showers to freshen up. I grab my changing bag and I see him watch me head towards the showers. While I'm in there bathing, I hear the door open and I hear someone walk in and singing. I was like "You have got to be kidding me". It was him. Boy! was I PETRIFIED. The anxiety kicked in heavily. My mind started racing. In my mind, he had forced-opened the curtains and tried to enter the washroom and force himself on me  My Dad's advice kicked in too "Treat everybody like a criminal". At this point, I had gotten into a fight stance in the bathroom waiting for any trouble. He was in there for about 30 seconds and then I heard him leave. When he left, I hurriedly washed down, dressed up and left to work. To be honest, I didn't even finish bathing. I washed off whatever soap was on me and said: "To hell with this bathing thing, why am I even here". I had a bad day at work that day.

So now you know. Don't trigger my anxiety guys. If you ever see me discombobulated, this may be one of the few reasons why. 

Well! as always, it has been a lot of fun bringing you this uncomfortable piece. After an entire year of not writing, I decided to start with a light one. I hope y'all took time out of your busy schedules to read this inappropriate and uncomfortable tale of my homosexual encounters and its continued threats and repercussions on my life. Peace ✌

Thanks for reading y'all............LOVE

                                         

         This was me and the guy at the alley. No wonder I was terrified.

When I turned the corner, I bet I broke Usain's record. Unfortunate that no one was checking the time

    When I heard the dude enter the bathroom

Picture me with soap all around me and naked with this stance. That was me in the bathroom when the dude was in there the whole time  

 Dude was in the gym like "Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy"